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this is me...lauren jessica

Dec. 27th, 2007

01:41 pm - He Is

Ok my relationship with Dan is getting better he and I talked a little and he made me feel like being in this relationship was right. I said 2 him what happens after his six month training with the military he said he was coming back to PA I said why? He told me because of you. I was in shock he said I can't act like I do not have a girl. He told me he was going to request to come back here because of me. I have never had a guy say that 2 me. Now I guess I can't move to Texas. I want to be with him more than one would know. He makes me feel good and I have not had that feeling since my late Jevon. I do miss Jevon but I am getting over it. Jevon would want me 2 be happy and I think he is happy with the one I chose I think they would like each other. They are so much a like but so different. I am happy finally.

Dec. 21st, 2007

11:36 am - Should I stay

My man has no time for me or maybe it's really bad time management. I really don't know which one it is. First of all he claims he wants this relationship every time when I ask is it too much for him. When I actually get his attention the relationship is really good, but when we talk it is only for a few minutes and he never calls back the same day. There have been days that went by when I have not spoken to him at all. I really don't know what to do. A week or two will go by sometimes three before we actually see each other. I have talked to him and I think I have shown patience, but how much more can I really take or when have I taken too much? I guess I will never know I like him but I don't know if it is enough to stay.

Dec. 5th, 2007

06:35 am - YO its official JON is GAY as SHIT

Ok so this dude from childhood I know named JON Well Johnathan Kristian Clarke but he says Call him JON not John but JON. Ok then he does eyebrows perfectly (his own are done also.) Then he was talking about his butt hole hurts and he thinks he has a rash there. (UM how did that happen?) Then he tells me he has herpes and that he slept with over 120 females. (ok change that to men). Then he is like I am so glad that I found you on Myspace i missed you I want something to start back up with you. So I'm like yo we were 16 and I have not seen you since then. I tell him about my man he is like you 2 are not evenly yolked. How the fuck do you know. Ok then he keeps asking to spend the night I am like no. He got no money and he keeps wanting to freeload. So he called monday and I was like oh I just ran across a picture when we was kids back when you were cute he took it personal he is gonna say its not like you are all that. So I said maybe your ass need to grow some before you talk he is only like 5'1. So then he called yesterday and was like Im coming over. I said I have class. He said oh I mean later I said I will pass on that. Then I said talk 2 you later.(was not planning on it but hey.) He called me back and was like what we are not cool anymore? I said I want to be left alone and I hung up. He kept blowing up my phone like a little bitch. I ain't his girl nor his friend. It was like nice seeing you again, but leave me alone. I got friends. he don't know me like that like we was friends at 16 I am a different bitch since then. I hope he leaves me alone.

Nov. 28th, 2007

07:32 am - men are dumb as shit

Anyway I have been up surfing the net this morning and I was on some guys blog. He said that he could tell his girl had been cheating because it felt different. Lets be real it feels different every time. A man does not always feel the same. The Vagina stretches because it's like elastic so it bounces back. Shit I know the sex is different when I am lacking emotion or when you know it's over but you are just going through the motions. Besides when I was with little dick Berle (it was like the size of half of a hot dog hard) lol it was good the first time and soon after it went down hill. I guess I was just horny. But the best sex comes when there is some sort of emotion involved. But the only true way to tell if someone has cheated is if they tell you weather you ask or they feel guilty or if you catch them in the act. Come on if a man really could tell Maury would not be doing DNA testing and there would not be a whole show called cheaters.

Nov. 27th, 2007

09:39 pm - twice in one day damn Im on a roll

I spend so much time helping other and their problems that i have nit taken a look at myself. I think I am clingy to my bf maybe I am not but I do call more than I usually would. It freaks me out to know that in February he will be away in Arizona doing military training for 6 months. I am learning patience but he means a lot to me. We were friends first and I knew he was going away before we were together but it all of the sudden bothers me. I come from a military family I understand the career he choose but I must admit it's hard. I feel that our time is always very limited. He is very busy for the most part and I feel that I am a second thought although he says that I am not. I know he misses me but I can't help but think maybe he is too busy for me. I can honestly say I have never felt this way about another man, other than Jevon. Maybe Jevon sent him to me. The truth is the only other man I was ever this comfortable with was Jevon. I guess I should make the most of it, I know I am going to try and make it work somehow.

07:23 pm - JUST SO MUCH

So today I was watching Waiting to Exhale and I found it funny. Especially the part where Angela Bassett burns her husband's shit. That part was classically funny. I guess I need to laugh because my man is so busy that I have not gotten any dick which I can't take. Ok but some of that is my fault because I told him that I was punishing him by not giving him any now look who's suffering. I guess I forgot he is good at being tortured since he is in the military. I guess all I did was torture myself. LOL as Alicia Key's would say Karma. That is what I get for teasing his ass. Anyway I talked to him about him not having time for me...he made me feel much better about our relationship. He actually understood what I was feeling and he told me that he felt the same and that it would get better soon. He told me he was sorry. He even took the time to share what has been on his mind. I guess telling him how I felt opened him up to share his feelings with me. It was great it made me feel good. I hate to say it but the more I talk to him the more he has me open. It is an uncomfortable feeling and I hate that, but the truth is he makes me feel like I could spend forever with him. I have not told him that nor do I plan to. can't say that I love him but I can say I am in strong like very strong like. For the first time I don't like somebody just because I don't want to be alone but I like somebody because I like them, and want to be with them. He makes me feel good. The best part of being with him is that we were friends first and now we have grown into so much more. So what makes better relationships friends first or strangers? I guess I will find out. The fact is because we were friends I feel at ease with him because he knows me the real me. He knows the Lauren that has no walls up because I have never had to be someone that I was not with him. I like that. I guess only time will tell but as of right now I like this feeling and I don't want it to leave.

Nov. 8th, 2007


My so called boyfriend has not called me since Sunday and its going on the weekend again. Now I have called him and we chatted for about 3 mins but thats it. He won't return my cals or anything. If you ask me I think he is full of shit, but hey I guess I got the point. I was not feeling him anymore but its not the point. He treats me like crap we don't go places because he is saving for a big screen TV. Oh yeah he wants me to buy him a lap top LOL funny right? Things that make you wonder. I know Toni Braxton gives thim 7 days but shit thats 2 long. So today I excepted a date from this guy that I find attractive but he is not like Morris Chestnut but his personality surpasses it all. Was I wrong knowing I have a man or is my relationship already over?

Oct. 30th, 2007

06:33 pm - Shame Shame Shame on me

So I guess today I reached an all time low. I was on yahoo ready to check my mail when I realized my boyfriend was still loged on to his account so what did I do I went through his mail. I found some interesting things and granted I don't know how I feel about it. Maybe it's me but when you have a girl should you be on black singles.com he had new matches I wonder how much he checks it. I guess I was wrong for looking through his e-mails oh yeah I even erased a few. I know I can't confront him because I violated his privacy. I am mad as hell but what can I really do?

Aug. 19th, 2007

12:13 pm - Writer's Block: Trading Spaces

If you could be another person for a day, who would it be and why?

I would be JLo. I choose her because she has a drive that one can't break. There are not many people that are of color that could get out of the hood and become a mega superstar. Not only has she gotten out of the hood but she never forgot that she was from The BX. She worked with what she knew how to do and ran with it and maybe more children should look at her because if she could do it we all can follow are dreams and make something of it.

May. 22nd, 2007

06:06 pm

I have come to terms with the death of my first true love, but it still hurts like hell. I miss my best friend because without him by my side I feel like a huge part of me is missing. I know that Jevon is dead and I can't bring him back but there is a huge pain that just won't go away. I think about him everyday and I try to live without him but it is hard. I miss him more than anyone could imagine especially the closer I get to my college graduation because he wanted me to complete so bad. It will be the hardest day of my life knowing that he will not be there in the physical form with me. I want the other half of me because without him I feel like nothing. I am mad at God and I know that I should not be but I am. I can sometimes feel him but I soon realize that that can't be him because he is not there. I can smell him and I can hear his voice. Every time I feel like saying the hell with this I hear his voice saying L don't be stupid. I know that he is not in pain, and I am happy that he is one of God's angels. But I am in so much pain not having him here. I know one day I will see him again but I need him now. I guess I should feel blessed to have an extra angel watching over me, but I feel like there is a void.

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