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this is me...lauren jessica

May. 15th, 2007

08:11 am - I am not going to be...

I am not going to be that friend that you go to every time you have a problem and when I need you, your not there for me. I am not going to be the person that you call every time you want to talk about people and abuse people then turn around and change your mind. I am not going to be the friend that you call names and then turn around and hang with you the next day. So today is the day where I am saying Not anymore, I don't need you, I can do bad without you. Like Chanel, Miriam and a few family members I can also let you go. You are like a parasite. When will you see that it is you that you have the problem with and not others. In the mean time you can make others feel bad about themselves because of your insecurities, but when you turn around you will see that you have no friends left because you have treated them so badly. The sad part is you just don't even know or think that you do anything wrong. But let me be the first to tell you that your shit stinks something bad. I am not saying that you can't be a good person, but the selfishness is just to much to handle. so I am walking away from this toxic friendship and I am not going to look back.

Apr. 28th, 2007

12:54 am - Jevon

I wish things would have happened differently, but this was your time to leave this earth. I know your watching over me and wishing I was not sad, but I am. Your death hurts my heart deeply. I will never get a hug or a kiss from you again. I will never be able to watch you sleep or start a family with you. Someone took that all away from me. I know you are at peace now and I am happy with that. I just miss you so much. I can't listen to Jay-z without thinking of you or the song cupid. I can even remember your smell and the way you walked. I can even remember your smile. You brought me joy and sometimes pain. It was all worth it. I am blessed to have known you although it was for a short time. I remember Jr high when we fist saw each other. I was in your class all year and you did not even notice me. Thank God you were always into something and too social and I was quiet and not social. From the day you were made to be my lab partner until the day you passed I loved you. I still do. You were my soul mate. You got me out of my shell and helped me become who I am today. You sacrificed a relationship with me so I could finish college. You always would check on me even when I was being the biggest bitch on the planet. You always had a way of making me laugh and for the first time you made me cry. I feel so empty without you. Jevon how can I go on without my best friend, and my first love? I am trying, nut it is hard. I usually am ok with death but I can't get passed yours. I am not happy knowing I have to wait to see you in heaven. But I am glad I got a chance to be with you and love you. I am going to watch after Kena and Mom for you. I am going to live as you would have wanted me to. It is funny but I feel you around me, I know you are here. I would give anything to see you once more. But if I can't I understand. Love always and forever .

Mar. 10th, 2007

08:11 pm - How they soon forget

Awhile ago I loaned my mother money 1,000 big ones to be exact. That was in the beginning of last summer. She still has not payed me back but I have not said shit about it I count it as a loss. Well My little cousin is going away to college and my mother is mad because I am giving her the fridge I used in college. She claims that because she purchased it she should sell it. News flash it was something that was for me so isn't that like a gift? So she said she should have something to show for it. She is pissed should I really care. Oh then she claims that she was finacially strapped because of the fridge um she makes 90 thousand a year lol. So if you are that broke maybe you should look at yourself because a 90 dollar fridge is not going to put you in the hole. Could you be broke because you would rather spend your money than save it. Could you be broke because u did not work for six months because u did not feel like it and they wonder why I am so gone after Cheyney. SO u owe me a grip of money and ur bitch'n over 90 damn ain't that funny.

Feb. 28th, 2007

10:07 am - Just because

people think that just because they are older than you means that they can treat you like a child. They also think that just because you need their help that they can tell you how much you owe them. Well if you don't want to help a person or you are going to remind them constantly that you helped them than keep your help. When you help someone it is because you are able at that time and you are doing it because you want to help them. When you are helping people you should not expect them to kiss your ass because they needed you at that time. Respect is a two way street and many people don't get that. I have learned that you can't choose you family but you can choose weather you want to be around them. That is why you can choose friends because friends become like family. Family and friends should be able to ask for help and not have to kiss the ass of the other person because they need help at that time...people forget that they will need someone sooner or later and will wonder why nobody is there to help them....It's called Karma.

Feb. 5th, 2007

06:33 pm - Changes

Ok so recently I have been thinking a lot about life and death. Why is it that people are content with knowing that they can prevent things from happening but not change? Is it fear of change? I know the death of Ms. Champion has opened my eyes to a lot of things. Heart disease, is the number one killer of women. Your risk factor is higher if your over weight, have high cholesterol and blood pressure. So I have decided for my own health that I am going to take back control because I have realized that I am at a high risk for heart disease,. So yes I gained weight in college but I am going to loose it and become the best person that I can be inside and out. I am also going to do the heart disease,, breast cancer, and AIDS walks. I am going to start eating healthier and just living stress free. I am going to gain control of my life mentally, physically, and spiritually. This is a lifestyle change so I can live for a long time and I hope that I can be an example for someone else. I don't want the death of Ms. Champion to be en-vain because if we don't learn from her we will keep loosing our lives to entities that are preventable.

Feb. 2nd, 2007

11:10 am - My sister friends I love you

So anyway I am not saying that my friends do not care about me in fact they are the sisters that God did not give me. I love them more than they would ever know in fact I would do anything for them, but at times they feel unloved, but I also at times. So if you did not know I am telling you Amber, Shay, and sick Heather I LOVE U. I don't think that my life would be complete without you guys. I am still mad that all of you left me to rot at Cheyney but its ok I will live. Thank you Shay for being there the other day when I had my slight breakthrough...U can be sweet when you want to be. SO I just wanted to tell you how much you all have impacted my life.... Ok today I felt like being nice....Lol

Jan. 21st, 2007

09:48 am - I must be crazy

It is a once in a lifetime thing that you meet the guy that is for you, but the moment that I saw Donte I knew. It is crazy but I always assumed that he knew how I felt but I guess I was wrong because I never exactly told him how I felt. Now I am lost without him I try to find people to replace him but I have learned that you can't replace a person with another. I have also learned that I am not ready to give up hope that I will someday be back with him. I will try everything to get him back until there is no more trying left and when this day comes I will tell him how I feel and I hope that he will forgive me for not telling him sooner. I feel like have lost my very best friend and now I have to put in the work to get him back. So I must be crazy because most people would have given up by now but the truth is you never are crazy when it comes to the one you want....you are just crazy in love.

Jan. 11th, 2007

06:50 pm - A new begining

It is funny how you can know a person all your life and they are nothing that you thought they were. So this year I am getting rid of all the excess bagage. Fucked up friends have to go "Miriam" and all the others 2. All the niggas that are no good have got 2 go. If you are not going to benifit me in any good way you have got to go. I have to live for me and this calls for some spring cleaning. I am cleaning out my cell of all the negative people in my life. ( lol well damn Amber and Shay are the only ones left in the cell oh yeah familiy too.) So it took 24years but I finally found out who my true friends really are...So for all you people out there who are not sure what to do sit back and watch they will let you know their true character. You know who you are but get rid of that man please he is no good and he shows no respect for you. You are better than him. Just like I am doing some pre spring cleaning so should you.

Dec. 21st, 2006

12:59 pm - Letting go

I am realizing that I can't change who the Jackass I am with really is and for along time I tried to change him. But you can't change a 27 year old man because he is set in his ways and he is not willing to learn anything new. He is quite selfish but I let him be that way because I am selfless. This guy does not care about me or my well being I realize that. He makes more money than me but I seem to buy dinner all the time because he does not want to spend any of his money. SO I have no money really and I feed him that is so crazy. He has large sums of money and he does not want to spend any all I can say is wow. I am being used and I know it. A girl that I went to college with told me once that, when you love someone you can let them go and when you don't you can't. I think this is true. But one thing is for sure I love me and in order to be true to myself I must let him go. I know it will be hard but one should never put a man first and I am doing that I have to worry about me and Not his feelings but my own because like he said he could care less about mine. (FU and UR Feelings) HUm so I have to take that in account.This man (boy) has done everything to tear me down but you know what I am going to lift myself up by leaving him alone. I can do bad by myself. He can give another girl grief maybe he will respect her because he surely does not respect me.

Dec. 19th, 2006

03:28 am - I give up

I am so tired on not being appreciated and I deserve better than what I have. I guess I should have known not to settle for less but I did and now it seems as if I am stuck with a pig who could care less about me. The truth is I can do bad all by myself (Yes I know that is so cliche)but it's true. I don't need a guy telling me F--K you and your feelings. I don't need the drama in-fact in the new year at some point I am going to leave his sorry a-- and say FU Right back.

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